


spilt wine and wilted roses

by bluejaems (miltokki)



Series: of Drunkenness and Sobriety [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cheating, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Mentioned Jung Sungchan, Mentioned Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Na Jaemin-centric, Sad Na Jaemin, Self-Esteem Issues, and hendery, and johnny - Freeform, poor jaemin, ten is also the best, yang yang is the best friend ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:27:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29517396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miltokki/pseuds/bluejaems
Summary: Jaemin gives his all for Jeno and Jeno throws it in his face
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Lee Jeno & Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Series: of Drunkenness and Sobriety [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2168400
Comments: 12
Kudos: 87





	spilt wine and wilted roses

**Author's Note:**

> My first work :0
> 
> This was meant to be a spur of the moment one-shot but then I hit 10k words and still wasn't done with the story >.<  
> It's going to be a 2-part series now
> 
> cross-posted on wattpad @bluejaems  
> find me on twitter @miltokki

Jaemin gives his all for Jeno and Jeno throws it in his face 

Of drunkenness and sobriety pt1

The room was dark although the morning sun had risen. When things were normal - when things were okay - the light would filter through the dark blinds, waking Jaemin up and prompting him to wake Jeno. Jaemin hated the bright light (ironic considering he was literally a sunshine) but he tolerated it for Jeno who hated the dark. As usual they always made a compromise - Jeno could have his open blinds as long as Jaemin could choose the colour. But things weren’t normal anymore, and compromise didn’t seem to work anymore.

Jaemin stirred in the large four poster bed, the sheets and blankets were tangled around his legs and his bunny plushie lay abandoned on the cold floor. Running his hands through his unruly blue hair, he wondered for the umpteenth time how things became like this. When had he grown used to waking up in an empty bed and rarely seeing Jeno when they lived with each other? 

Padding softly into the ensuite bathroom, Jaemin avoided his reflection in the mirror as he brushed his teeth. About two months ago, Jeno had announced this “huge project” that required him spending copious amounts of time in the university library. It wasn’t a big deal; all college students at some point would have that time when they were swamped with requirements from their lecturers. It wasn’t a big deal until his boyfriend practically camped at the library, until a week could go by without seeing Jeno, until this “project” that was taking months to complete seemed to be unheard of by Jeno’s architecture classmates.

Don’t get him wrong, Jaemin wasn’t the type to snoop or obsess over his lover’s activities. He had happened to have run into Donghyuck and Sungchan at a college function and the dark circles they sported seemed indicative of their stress and exhaustion. Jaemin had asked them if it was the project that was turning them into pandas to which they had laughed in confusion, explaining that it was Jungwoo’s frat party the night before that kept them awake till 5 am. They were actually pretty free in the architecture department at the moment.

On the lucky occasion that Jaemin could actually see his boyfriend face-to-face (usually to pick up new clothes), Jaemin brought up the convo with Jeno’s classmates to which Jeno quickly spewed something about extra cred to make up for failing classes. Jaemin had quickly offered to help Jeno out in any way he could. Because that was Jaemin had always done. To the disappointment of his parents and his former friends, Jaemin lived his life for his boyfriend and was always loyal to him. It was his stubborn loyalty that kept him believing in Jeno even when it was obvious to everyone with eyes that something was wrong - that perhaps his lover didn’t possess an equal loyalty.

Jaemin wasn’t dumb. He could read the signs, he just refused to read them. Or maybe he was dumb. Every step he took to stay with Jeno drove another dagger deep into his heart. Jaemin was in pain but wasn’t healing himself. He was hurting himself even more. He was caught in a tsunami; his feet were off the ground, everything was crashing around him and the waves were carrying him and Jeno further apart. Jaemin refused to stop swimming towards Jeno, refused to acknowledge that his legs were small and weak in the face of the waves, refused to realise that it was a one-sided effort as Jeno wasn’t trying to swim to him. Why did he try so hard? Because it had always been Jaemin and Jeno, Jeno and Jaemin, Nana and Dotori, Jenoya and Jaeminnie.

Jaemin and Jeno had met in elementary school and had stayed with each other through middle school, when Jeno’s dad’s business failed and his parents had divorced, Jaemin never left Jeno’s side. They started dating in their first year of high school when Jeno had cried to Jaemin, his dreams had been crushed because he couldn’t pay for college to study architecture. Jaemin was actually about to tell Jeno that he had been accepted for a prestigious six month photography programme in Germany. He knew photography was a hard career to break into (in terms of income) and that this was an awesome opportunity for him to network and begin to make a name for himself in the industry.

Jaemin’s sacrifices started on that day on the school rooftop. They were both clutching their career choice forms which had prompted the tears and the deep convo. ‘Jeno I’m going to do business’ He said,crossing out “photography” written neatly in the box. This was the first dagger of pain he felt.

‘Nana you can’t! I thought you liked photography? And you’re always going on about how boring economics with Mrs Kim is!’ Jeno had burst out, feeling baffled all the while still sniffing.

‘Photography is just a hobby of mine’. Another dagger of pain. This was probably the first time he had lied to Jeno too. Yet another dagger of pain. ‘I said Mrs Kim was boring, not the subject. Plus if I do really well in the CSAT I can get a scholarship at SMU, then you can use the money I saved up to study architecture’ Jaemin said firmly, looking at Jeno whose red eyes were brimming with fresh tears. This was the only way to get Jeno to believe him.

‘But photography is your dream!’

‘Your happiness is my dream Nono’

Mrs Kim had been pleasantly surprised at Jaemin’s kindled enthusiasm for her subject and had written up an incredible reference for him, guaranteeing him the scholarship to SM University. Jeno had also ended up getting a scholarship so they spent the money to get a nice apartment but they only furnished Jeno’s room nicely to cut costs. After all they were dating and had no problems sharing a room.

They were living rather comfortably compared to other students thanks to the money they had both saved in high school and their all expenses paid scholarships. This fact brought a lot of changes to their lifestyles. Jeno could participate in more sports activities and join a frat and socialise. Jaemin still worked part time to make sure they had bank since Jeno had less regular breaks due to his architecture course to also work. When he was free, Jeno would invite his boyfriend to all his events and they were happy. Jeno was popular and doing well in academics and Jaemin got to see Jeno always in a good mood and business wasn’t actually that bad a course.

In their first year and halfway through their second year, Jeno had worried about Jaemin’s happiness; he was doing a course he wasn’t actually that interested in, working part-time at a convenience store that wasn't close by and never went out except for Jeno’s events.

‘It’s okay Nono, I just have to work harder than others since I don’t feel the same enthusiasm they do. The convenience store pays a lot and I prefer for us to be comfortable than tight on cash. I’m not lonely or bored or anything - I like sleeping!’

‘But Nana you only live once! I’m not asking you to join my frat or anything but maybe join a club so you can enjoy your college life. Your high school life was ruined because you studied so hard for the scholarship so you can’t afford to waste the time you’re spending right now.’

‘You’re right but I don’t have any clubs I want to join. I’m fine with your events’ Jaemin sighed.

‘There’s a photography club and they’re running a competition right now, that’s your hobby right?’

Jaemin felt another dagger pierce his heart. Photography was a sore spot for him and he avoided it with his life. It brought up feelings he didn’t like. It made him question his determination to make Jeno happy and made him feel disloyal. ‘I’m not really into photography anymore plus I'm sure I've lost my touch. It was just a phase, don't worry Nono’. Another dagger punctured his heart but after all the years he was growing numb to the pain. 

After months of hearing the same response, Jeno stopped worrying. It wasn’t just that though, Jaemin figured. Jeno’s personality had started changing. Usually Jeno would speak up about his problems and Jaemin would help him but Jeno had started to demand and expect more from him. It was probably at this point that Jaemin felt his self-worth going down. Jeno would come back home and politely suggest that Jaemin dye his hair pink so he’d look cute like Ryujin from the volleyball varsity or blue so he wouldn’t embarrass him at certain frat parties that Jeno had started to organize himself. In fact, Jaemin realised that as time passed, as they entered their third year, Jeno had stopped inviting him to events. Then two months ago, Jeno disappeared completely.

Jaemin dashed out of the bathroom once he realised that he’d gotten carried away with his thoughts and was now running late for his macroeconomics symposium. Hurriedly he threw on a plain white tee and black adidas joggers, grabbing his ipad, face mask and keys before exiting his apartment. Jaemin was sprinting up the campus towards the conference hall, running his slim hands through his blue locks and hoping to god that he at least wouldn’t be the only one late so he wouldn’t have to mumble an apology in front of the entire cohort alone.

Unfortunately for Jaemin, like everything else in his life, even god seemed elusive. There were no latecomers or stragglers outside the hall so he cringed as he quietly opened the large oak door. The voice of the speaker died out, plunging the hall into silence as he meekly stepped in. Great, Jaemin thought as he recognised the speaker. It just had to be the judgemental egotistic Professor Seo. For the latter, first impressions were permanent impressions so now Jaemin would quickly be labelled a slacker.

‘I apologise for my tardiness Professor Seo’ Jaemin bowed ninety degrees, wincing at all the eyes that were on him.

‘If you were going to be late then why turn up at all? I expect professionalism at this level of education especially in our course. One of the first principles you learn in the world of business is that “time is money”. Three words shouldn’t be hard to remember. You are ten minutes late. In the real world, ten minutes could cost you ten million won. Losing such money makes people’s trust in you fall, stocks plummet and you end up bankrupt at the side of the road. Do you understand?’ The tall man boomed into his mouthpiece, his intimidating aura almost making Jaemin regret coming in the first place.

‘Yes Professor Seo. I won’t allow this to happen again’ Jaemin said firmly, looking his professor in the eye.

Professor Seo seemed satisfied as he continued. ‘I’m glad you didn’t give me any excuses. Grab a seat and remember that punctuality is the sole of business’. Jaemin bowed once more in gratitude and sunk into the nearest vacant seat in embarrassment. He had gotten off lightly much to his luck. Usually the professor would launch into a seminar on the importance and essence of punctuality. Maybe something about receiving all his educational qualifications in the states made him a self-absorbed talkative although Jaemin couldn’t deny that the things he said made sense.

Leaning towards his bag, Jaemin whipped out his ipad to make some notes and get productive to erase his current humiliation. Tapping the screen of his device, he let out a little sound of exasperation. Why was nothing going right?

The person sitting beside him tapped the blue-haired boy lightly. Jaemin (who wasn’t easily startled) turned towards the person, an expression of false okayness schooled on his face. He had gotten rather good at pretending to be happy even when he hadn’t expressed the positive emotion in quite a while.

‘Are you okay - scrap that - what’s wrong?’ The kindness in the boy’s voice was so sincere that Jaemin’s mask completely crumbled and he had to try so hard not to cry.

‘Uh it’s nothing serious- it’s just that - it’s just that I’m having a really crappy day and I miss my boyfriend and now I’ve forgotten the password to my ipad so I can’t make any notes’ Jaemin rambled in distress. I can’t do this anymore. I need to leave. I need to breathe. I need Jeno. 

The boy looked alarmed as he took in Jaemin’s state. ‘Dude I think you need a coffee’.

-

The boy, who turned out to be called Yangyang, had lent him a sheet of paper to pretend to take notes and some candy to give Jaemin a sugar rush and to calm him down from his minor breakdown. Soon after the symposium, Yangyang didn’t hesitate to drag the blue-haired boy to his favourite cafe for much-needed coffee and a pastry.

The two boys were sitting opposite each other in a booth by the window. Yangyang had a caramel macchiato with whipped cream combo and a strawberry shortcake sitting elegantly in front of him while Jaemin had an iced americano with one shot of espresso and two butter croissants in front of him. Kun, the barista and close friend of Yangyang had served him for free after he’d heard that Jaemin was sad and needed a pick-me-up. There was a calm and comfortable silence as the boys tucked into their brunch.

‘Uhh do you want to try some of my strawberry shortcake? Kun makes them really good’ Yangyang finally broke the peaceful silence, slightly pushing his plate towards Jaemin who shook his head slightly.

‘No thanks, I don’t really like strawberry flavours’

‘I take it you’re not really a social type, right?’ Yangyang nodded, a slight smile on his face as he regarded Jaemin, picking up his coffee cup to take another sip.

Jaemin smiled meekly, looking down at the cute tablecloth. ‘I’m sorry, I’m usually a better conversational partner when I’m done drinking my coffee and I’m not all estresso-depresso’

‘And how often is that?’ Yangyang laughed, he’d finished his shortcake now, pushing his plate to the side.

‘Honestly? Not that often’ Jaemin smiled weakly, brushing his longish hair out of his eyes.

‘Maybe we should have coffee together everyday then, to make sure you’re all espresso-destresso instead’ Yangyang proposed, sporting a cheeky grin as he took another sip of his macchiato.

‘That was smooth’ Jaemin acknowledged, nodding his head in approval. ‘But my boyfriend told me to cut down on the coffee’ because he hates the smell and I don’t like to go out for coffee alone.

‘It doesn’t have to be coffee though, “Taeil’s Tasty Treats” has a variety of beverages served here’ Yangyang enthused. Jaemin totally understood why the former was a business major. He mentally debated the pros and cons and figured that the idea of getting breakfast with a friend would make him feel less lonely and more motivated to get out of bed in the morning. Huh. I didn’t even realise I felt lonely.

‘I think I’ll take you up on that offer, Yangyang’ Jaemin smiled properly for the first time in a while, swirling the ice in his drink with the paper straw that was now getting soggy.

‘Great!’ Yangyang cheered, making the blue-haired beauty giggle. ‘Kun will give you what you want for free too because you’re handsome’.

Their little friendly brunch date ended with Yangyang promising to bring the notes from the lecture the next day as well as taking Jaemin’s tablet to his friend (Nine or Ten or something) who knew how to fix it. All in all, Jaemin’s day had gone from terrible to great and the boy hoped that Jeno being home would be the cherry on top. Emphasis on hoped.

-

A month later and things between Jaemin and Jeno hadn’t changed at all. The only difference being that mornings were now more bearable with daily breakfast runs at Taeil’s Tasty Treats together with Jaemin’s new best friend Yangyang and the gang. Yangyang didn’t like being Jaemin’s only friend and had introduced him to his friends: Ten, Johnny and Hendery. Ten was an eccentric senior from the art department and his private classroom was their hangout spot. Johnny and Hendery were from the music department and often provided coupons for karaoke and the arcade. Yangyang knew a lot of people which was a huge advantage as they could talk their way into getting discounts or free food at certain cafes or restaurants. Jaemin also wanted to contribute something so he started making lunchboxes and baking treats that the group really enjoyed. Jaemin hadn’t realised when he stopped domestic activities like baking. It was most likely that Jeno stopped wanting them and ate out instead. 

‘Jaeminnie are you listening?’ Ten’s voice dragged the former out of his thoughts. ‘Johnny and I started a YouTube channel’

‘Huh really? Why?’ Jaemin asked interestedly. ‘Are you finally gonna show the world you can dance?’

Ten giggled. ‘Not yet, it’s just that I’m looking at media as a form of art for my project’

‘Then what content are you putting out?’ Yangyang frowned. ‘If it’s not dance then what?’

Johnny and Ten exchanged glances before Johnny cleared his throat and turned to Jaemin. ‘Well… we thought it’d be cool to make our channel focused on student life here and that would actually benefit our school. You know I’m part of the school publicity team-’

‘Johnny you’re rambling’ Ten interrupted. 

‘So we thought about some relatable issues that students have, and the basic issue is food right? So we thought that we’d start with you teaching us how to make simple low-budget meals’

‘Then other kids could cut costs on eating out at restaurants and internet cafes or rubbish convenience store food’ Ten added. 

Jaemin swallowed his rice. ‘So you two decided, to put me in your videos, without consulting with me first?’

Ten put in a cute face and leaned closer to Jaemin. ‘Pretty please Jaeminnie? Do you know how many lives you’ll save with a couple of videos? Johnny back me up here’

‘I’ll buy you coffee everyday for a month’ Johnny promised. 

‘I already get everything for free here’ Jaemin retorted, unimpressed. 

‘You’ll be saving my grade here Jaeminnie. I already told Professor Lim that you agreed in my project plan. If I fail here my art career will be over and I’ll have to scrub floors for cranky kun over here for the rest of my life’ Ten pleaded albeit dramatically. At that moment, Kun walked past and delivered a knock to Ten’s head. ‘Is assaulting customers the norm here?’ Ten cried out. 

Yangyang and Hendery were just choking with laughter at that point. ‘It’ll just be the first few videos to start off then we’ll be vlogging’ Ten was almost on his knees. 

‘Fine’ Jaemin grumbled as Ten and Johnny high-fived. 

‘I actually planned all my arguments because I knew you’d hate to be on the internet, my cute antisocial little baby’ Ten ruffled Jaemin’s hair affectionately. Jaemin could only sigh because he wasn’t even surprised. It was just like Ten. 

‘Guys I need to leave now, my class is starting soon’ Jaemin stood up, feeling sorry to leave his friends. 

‘Yep see you at our spot after’ Hendery replied as the others nodded. 

‘Take this’ Yangyang called out, indicating two croissants. Jaemin thanked him gratefully as he headed to the door, thanked Kun and waved back at his friends. 

As soon as the blue-haired boy was out of sight, the four boys brought their heads closer to each other in discussion. ‘He zoned out again, did you notice?’ Ten started. 

‘He’s clearly not okay’ Hendery stated the obvious, worry evident in his tone. ‘He’s better than when we first met him but he’s still in a bad place’. 

‘Has he opened up to you yet Yangyang? He’s closest to you’ Ten asked the younger. Yangyang shook his head sadly. 

‘Not yet but I won’t push him, we’ve only known each other for a month anyway’

‘If there’s one thing I’ve noticed, it’s the way he reads people and is quick to help us when we have problems but is ignorant to his own’ Johnny mused. 

‘That’s so true!’ Hendery cried out. ‘He was against the YouTube video thing until Ten brought up his grade and career bullshit’

‘I also noticed the absence of a certain boyfriend but I don’t want to jump to conclusions’ Yangyang said. He had been keeping his suspicions reserved. 

‘Anyway we can’t guess his problem, we can only wait for him to tell us himself’ Ten resolved. ‘The best we can do is make sure he’s happy. Which is why we’ve forced him to do shoot videos with him to take his mind off things and leave his comfort zone’

‘Wait so it isn’t a dumb project??’ Hendery asked in surprise. Poor Jaemin. He fell prey to one of Ten’s whims. 

‘No it is a project but it’s completely voluntary and I’m kinda getting artists block with my drawings right now so I turned to media’ Ten smiled. ‘Call it killing two birds with one stone’. 

‘If you guys blow up, Jaemin will get really popular’ Yangyang remarked. ‘He’s kinda known around the business department for his looks and manners but that’s it, because he’s antisocial’. 

‘Can you guys stop calling him antisocial already? He’s just an introvert who’s going through some things right now’ Johnny spoke up. ‘He clicked with us from the get go when we first met. That’s something that’s difficult for antisocial people’

They pondered over Johnny’s words and mentally speculated about what was up with their dear friend. As they picked up their things to leave, Hendery punctuated the silence. 

‘Two things. One. If I find out who is hurting Jaemin I will personally deliver a blow to their solar plexus and ask questions later. Two. Can I be in your YouTube video too? I don’t mind some popularity’

-

‘Jenoya, can we talk?’ 

The art department were painting the college walls so naturally Jaemin had come out to keep Ten company. He perched atop a bench, looking after Ten’s supplies as anywhere else would simply be in Ten’s way. If you haven’t figured it out yet, Ten was a demon when it came to work; hence Yangyang, Johnny and Hendery were suddenly too busy to make it. Jaemin was good at sitting still and just observing so it wasn’t a problem to spend a few hours watching the small senior in his element.

Approximately two hours later, Ten needed a toilet break to take a dump (‘so go walk around, stretch your legs a little’) and Jaemin was doing just that, admiring the creativity of the rest of the department. A head of dark brown hair suddenly came into Jaemin’s line of sight. Reclining artfully on a bench and frowning at his phone was Lee Jeno, his boyfriend. Jeno hadn’t replied to any of Jaemin’s texts nor had he come home in weeks, and no matter how understanding and patient the blue-haired boy was, he knew their relationship couldn’t go on like that anymore. All these thoughts made his feet move like clockwork towards Jeno, the question falling from his lips.

‘Oh hey Jaemin’ Jaemin, not nana, not jaeminnie, Jaemin noted.

‘I haven’t seen you for ages, what’s going on?’ Jaemin pressed further, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

‘Yeah...I’m sorry, I’ve just been so busy lately’ Jeno fidgeted, his eyes darting back to his phone.

‘You don’t call or pick up my calls, you don’t reply to my texts, when you do come home you barely say a word to me’ Jaemin listed, his eyes glossing with unshed tears. ‘You never take me out, we haven’t had a meal together in months… are you tired of me Nono?’

‘Jaemin I told you I’ve been really busy lately. I thought you’d understand but I guess you’ve changed’ Jaemin felt a familiar sting in his heart at Jeno’s words. ‘I don’t take you out because you obviously don’t enjoy it - you always look so dull compared to everyone else’ because you always manage to compare me to someone and make me feel like I’m not enough.

‘Right’ Jaemin squeezed his eyes shut.

‘Look Jaemin, architecture is such a demanding course’ Jeno continued. So is business. ‘You promised to help me achieve my dreams, so please understand me’.

‘Jeno I’m- Is everything okay?’ The soft voice came from a smaller boy with blonde hair and cute features. The boy was holding a tray of fresh paints and a stained apron - he was probably painting the walls too.

‘Yeah everything is okay Junnie’ Junnie huh. Jaemin pretended not to notice the gentle looks they gave each other. Jeno then turned to Jaemin. ‘This is Renjun, he’s very close to me’ Then he turned back to the blonde ‘Junnie this is Jaemin’

‘His boyfriend’ Jaemin finished off, trying to prevent the hurt and jealousy from seeping into his words. Jeno looked pissed and Jaemin just wanted the ground to swallow him up.

‘Uhuh… well it’s nice to meet you’ Renjun said, exchanging glances with Jeno.

‘Jaemin was just asking me something. Are we done here?’ 

‘When are you coming home? You didn’t answer my question when I asked if you were tired of me’ Jaemin said in his head. ‘No we’re done’ he said instead, not even bothering to hide the bitterness this time.

-

‘Your apartment is so nice dude’ Yangyang marvelled as the group walked into Jaemin’s place. ‘Tell me the truth, are you really just a normal student? If you’re some chaebol heir I’ll keep it a secret’

‘You’re exaggerating’ Jaemin laughed. ‘I work, unlike your lazy ass’. They were here to shoot some content for Ten and Johnny’s channel but procrastination was a bitch so they were sprawled on the plush rug in front of the tv. Johnny was flicking through netflix for a good film while Ten and Hendery were in the kitchen, fixing up some popcorn.

An hour later and they were halfway through the film and the two popcorn bowls were empty. No one was bothered to refill. ‘What are we gonna eat then?’ Ten belched, his head in Yangyang’s lap.

‘I thought we were making bibimbap for your video,’ Jaemin replied.

Ten simply groaned, making himself more comfortable on his lap pillow. ‘I’m too tired now, can we sleep over and make it all tomorrow? We can bake the cookies tomorrow too’ The others seemed to like this idea, making sounds of assent.

‘ Your boyfriend won’t mind right?’ Yangyang confirmed.

Jaemin pondered for a second before responding. ‘He won’t’ because he won’t even be here.

The blue-haired boy walked into his room and quickly remembered that it was basically a storage room since he shared with Jeno. Sighing, he went into Jeno’s room and brought out some duvets, blankets and pillows. They would have to camp in the sitting room.

To his surprise, the boys yelled in excitement at the information. ‘I’ve always wanted to make a pillow fort!’ Yangyang cheered. They soon busied themselves with setting up the fort; Jaemin had to make several trips to Jeno’s room to grab bedsheets and other materials, Johnny got the laptop prepared and some old christmas lights (from Jaemin’s room obviously) and Ten and Hendery went to the convenience store for some snacks. 

Soon afterwards, the boys had nestled inside their fort and after losing a classic game of rock paper scissors, Jaemin had to order up some pizza and chicken. In their elation, they had taken several pictures to commemorate the night. Jaemin fell asleep feeling warm and fuzzy. This was as close to happy Jaemin had felt in a long time. He was content.

The next day was a Saturday and no one had classes. Time whirled past as they began shooting with Yangyang and Hendery behind the cameras as Jaemin taught the youtubers how to make bibimbap and cookies. At first there were so many NGs; Hendery kept cracking everyone up and Ten accidentally poured all his rice down the sink after he washed it, Johnny bumped into Jaemin while doing a little jig, causing the younger to accidentally cut his finger.

‘Everyone, this is why you shouldn’t do a stupid dance while making bibimbap unless you want blood as a topping’ Jaemin smiled at the camera while giving the tallest a light punch. The shooting wrapped up with the trio taking a picture for their thumbnail after Johnten did their like and subscribe thing. They had the courtesy to help tidy up before leaving and thanking Jaemin for hosting them. The once rowdy apartment now felt dismal and especially quiet and empty following their absence.

However, the silence was suddenly punctuated with the sound of a key in the lock. Jaemin as usual didn’t flinch, but reached for the wok, edging towards the door to the sitting room.

‘Jeno’ he breathed in relief, once he saw the “intruder”. Jaemin walked back into the kitchen to replace the wok and didn’t bother to walk back to the sitting room. He felt awkward with his boyfriend after their last encounter and Jeno was probably gonna be gone in a minute anyway. That’s exactly why I should go to him, I need to convince him to stay.

It turned out that Jaemin’s internal conflict was unnecessary because Jeno walked into the kitchen. ‘Mmmh… did you bake?’ Jeno walked to the oven, opening it to find cookies because out of love, Jaemin always made a little extra food for Jeno in case he ever came home.

‘You made my favourite’ Yes because Jaemin’s life revolved around Jeno’s.

Jaemin couldn’t describe the emotions swirling inside him at that moment. He was happy that Jeno was eating his food, that he was here, talking to him, but he was bitter that Jeno was acting like nothing had happened during their last encounter. He was almost angry that it seemed like only he had been affected by any kink in their relationship, that Jeno could walk in and out of his life as he pleased. As long as he’s happy.

Then something happened.

Jeno came up to the blue-haired boy, and hugged him. ‘Nana’. This nickname held power over Jaemin to an extent he didn’t want to admit. Suddenly they were passionately kissing each other, burying unsaid feelings and unresolved problems in the heat of their melded lips. ‘I think you should dye your hair blonde. You’d look cuter’.

When Jaemin woke up, the sunlight struck his eyes through the drawn blinds and his heart lifted as it was a morning from the old times, when he was okay with Jeno. He turned to rouse his boyfriend from his slumber, but Jeno was no longer there.

In the bathroom, hair dye kit in hand, Jaemin wept and wept, because Renjun’s hair was blonde.

-

‘Damn bro, blonde hair suits you’ Hendery nodded his head in approval. ‘I only wish you’d told me you earlier so I could dye mine too’

‘It was a spur of impulse’ Jaemin grinned ruefully, biting back the pain in his words. 

‘I admire that about you, that’s what makes you and Ten similar. You want something, you do it’ Hendery continued. ‘I on the other hand, would think about people’s reactions, the pros and cons, then decide not to’

‘But then again, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of thought behind some actions, it saves you from making mistakes all the time’ Jaemin spoke, reflecting deeply. ‘Plus it may seem like I’m free spirited but I’m the most imprisoned one out of all of us’

Alarm bells rang throughout Hendery’s head. He was about to lean in, for Jaemin to open up to him when they were interrupted by the arrival of the rest of their squad in Ten’s classroom. 

‘Jaeminnie!! The video was a hit!’ Ten yelled gleefully, running into the former’s arms. ‘It’s been two days and we’re nearly at a million views!’

‘Huh’ it took a minute for Jaemin to process what Ten and Johnny were so excited about. ‘Congrats’ he smiled softly at his friends who were beside themselves with happiness. 

‘Plus you’re going viral, the perfect boyfriend material blue-haired beauty’ Johnny beamed. ‘People have been blowing up my dms for info about you’

‘For real! Johnny told them to subscribe and follow our socials first’ Ten grinned evilly. ‘We’re milking it’. 

Jaemin simply gawped at the duo before looking at Yangyang who was suppressing a grin. Ten and Johnny were clearly never going to stop talking but who could blame them? Making it on YouTube wasn’t easy and they had made a smashing debut. 

After their euphoria had calmed down, Ten looked at Jaemin again; the latter was discussing and laughing about something with Yangyang and Hendery. Hendery was showing them something in his phone. 

‘Jaeminnie what happened to your hair?’ Ten pouted. ‘You just went viral for your blue hair, I thought you’d keep it for a little while longer’

Now, normally Jaemin would laugh and say something along the lines of going for something new but Jaemin was not in his usual state. No one expected the once joyful atmosphere to morph into a depressing one, except maybe Hendery who waited with bated breath (having noticed Jaemin’s earlier reaction to things concerning his hair). 

‘Am I not enough?’ Jaemin whispered, but the room was so quiet that his words resonated, echoed, ricocheted off the walls of the room. 

‘Why do I always have to change for someone else? I’m so tired. Nothing I do is satisfactory. Nothing I do is ever enough.’

Johnny swallowed before breaking up Jaemin’s monologue. ‘This isn’t just about hair is it?’

‘I think’ Ten started. ‘We need a drink’.

-

‘Sun and Moon’ was a very famous club just on the outskirts of the campus, tucked up far away from the residences of the teaching personnel, far away from the confines of the libraries and lecture halls and conference rooms, far away from the stress and hassle that was university life. The club was the honeymoon on a Friday night and the bed-and-breakfast for the weekend before poor twenty year olds had to drag their sorry asses back to their dorms for 8 am lectures the next day. 

Students frequented the club to celebrate, socialise or simply to get away from it all, when it became too much and then began to wonder why they paid so much to enter jail. 

The club was run by Taeyong and Yuta, two young men in their late twenties who had also had that conversation - why do we pay to live like this? - and had come to the realisation that higher education simply just wasn’t for them, subsequently dropping out. The feeling of satisfaction of standing up in the middle of their lecture, throwing their notes into the bin in front of their bewildered professor and then walking out, was imprinted in their minds forever. Indelible. Never to be forgotten. Of course they were thrown out by their parents for bringing a smudge to their family names. Taeyong and Yuta had merely shrugged, spending their money on founding a club with their savings before their cards got frozen. Clubbing was the one thing they enjoyed in university so they channelled their blood and sweat into building the hub that stands today, even if it meant they lived there for a year while they couldn’t afford rent. 

The owners of the club were currently recounting their story to Jaemin who was sitting opposite them at the bar. His friends had soon gotten lost after a few drinks, the buzz leading them deeper into the seductive bosom of the club room. Poor Jaemin couldn’t even get further than slightly tipsy after downing drink after drink. He wanted to get drunk, to completely lose himself so he wouldn’t drown in embarrassment. Why did I say that? Why did I kill the mood?

Anyway that’s how the blonde found himself at the bar, asking the hot barista for the strongest drink they had. While Yuta busied himself, rising to the challenge of whipping up the strongest yet tastiest concoction he could, Taeyong started storytelling (Yuta quipping in wherever he could). 

‘Et voila’ Yuta proudly presented the cocktail to Jaemin. ‘I call her lioness’ he looked at the blonde expectantly, anticipating his reaction. 

Jaemin grasped the glass, curiously tipping it to his lips and gazing at the contents. ‘This colour… are there perhaps strawberries in this?’ He asked politely. He’d rather tell the older man that he didn’t like strawberries than drink the cocktail and fake his reaction. 

‘Nope. The red-pink colour comes from the fusion of cherry and peach extract’ Yuta grinned. ‘You don’t strike me as a strawberry type’

‘Yuta has always been good at assessing people’ Taeyong explained proudly. ‘An excellent judge of character’

Jaemin sipped his drink and pulled back in surprise. ‘This, this is really good!’ He exclaimed, causing the co-owners to smile. The cherries popped in his mouth and the peaches caressed his tongue. He was already beginning to feel lightheaded as he let the bliss wash over him. 

‘Well as thanks for testing it for me, you can have it on the house’ Yuta said, ruffling Jaemin’s hair. ‘Now go out there and enjoy the delights of Sun and Moon’

Jaemin didn’t need to be told twice. He was now feeling high enough to seek out his friends and properly celebrate Ten and Johnny’s success. 

The dance floor was intoxicating as bodies and red solo cups jammed to the bass of the speakers. The only way to escape the mesh of students was to dance your way through it, and Jaemin danced. The worries and emotions burdening his heart now belonged to another faraway, distant Jaemin - not the hyped up Jaemin that was floating on the clouds. 

Outside the throng and in another large room full of billiards and pool tables, Jaemin inhaled a lungful of fresher air, a notable difference when compared to the intermingling scents of perfumes, colognes, sweat and booze of the dance floor. Looking around the room, his friends were nowhere in sight, which wasn’t really a surprise as they weren’t the type to play games like these (especially since it was mostly final year students that congregated there). 

Leisurely, he walked out of the billiards room into a wide hallway. The place was huge, Jaemin marvelled as he recalled the journey it took from the bar all the way to where he was standing. The blonde wasn’t in a hurry to find his friends anyway. They’d probably be there till 2 am so he had all the time to find them. 

‘Hey long time no see’ 

The deep voice belonged to a tall man that seemed to tower over Jaemin even if their height difference was a few centimetres. 

‘Lucas… yeah it’s been a while’

Lucas was the leader of Jeno’s frat and the first person he was introduced to when he was invited to their frat party. He was outgoing and jovial and good-looking, making him one of the more popular people on campus. Jaemin had gotten along well with Lucas and Jeno’s “brothers” but of course as they spent less and less time together (since Jeno stopped inviting him), their bond diminished to nothing more than acquaintances. 

‘Jeno said you didn’t like partying, so what brings you here?’ There was no malice in Lucas’ voice, simply pure curiosity. He obviously hadn’t expected the blonde to be at a club, much less alone. 

‘I came with my friends to celebrate something, but we kinda got separated in all this’ Jaemin indicated with his hands. ‘So now I’m looking for them’

‘Ah that does happen’ Lucas nodded. ‘Well you won’t find them here, it’s just empty rooms. You’ll be better off checking the pool out back. There’s loads of us there’

‘Oh I didn’t know there was a pool!’ Jaemin exclaimed in surprise, not for the first time that evening. 

‘I know, this place is crazy’ Lucas agreed, whistling appreciatively as he looked around. 

‘Thanks for letting me know, I’ll be sure to check there’ Jaemin smiled as he reached for a nearby door handle. 

Lucas frowned ever-so-slightly. ‘Aren’t you going outside? The pool isn’t that way you know’ the frown instantly replaced with a chuckle. ‘I’m going that way myself, do you want me to lead you there?’

‘No it’s okay, you go ahead. My friends have a thing for colonising empty rooms’ Jaemin laughed, reminiscent of the origins of “Ten’s classroom”, an unused classroom that Ten had declared their hangout spot after using it as a rendezvous solo art studio for half a semester. 

Now Jaemin was quite high so he didn’t know if it was his intoxication or if Lucas was starting to jitter. It was probably the alcohol. Good stuff, I should ask Yuta for another. 

The room really was empty upon opening the door, so was the adjacent room, and the one opposite. ‘See? No one really uses these rooms at this time when the clubbing hasn’t reached its peak’ but Lucas’ voice was a mere ramble in Jaemin’s head. 

‘It doesn’t take much effort to open a door Lucas. You really don’t have to wait for me’ Jaemin stubbornly replied. 

As they moved from door to door, the taller boy seemed to become more tense until finally he stood in front of one door, preventing Jaemin from opening it. 

‘This is really getting ridiculous Jaemin! What if we interrupt someone when they’re getting laid or sleeping or something? How would you feel?’

Jaemin didn’t reply, instead he stared at Lucas. 

‘Okay how about this? We check the poolside first and if your friends aren’t there we can come back to these rooms. Heck I’ll even help you search the whole club again’ Lucas bargained, looking desperately at the shorter. 

‘Lucas. Step away from the door’

Jaemin had heard a sound, a very familiar sound that made his senses tingle. Suddenly the lights became clearer and suspicion began to sober him up. Somehow Lucas’ jittering seemed more real and less of a result of an inebriated mind. 

‘Come on Jaemin, you’re just drunk, let’s get you to your friends’ 

Lucas was definitely nervous, definitely hiding something. Jaemin knew that opening the door would be almost equivalent to eating the forbidden fruit and seeing the darkness of the world. Beyond the door lay the answer to his suspicions, to his unasked - and unanswered - questions. Jaemin had never permitted himself to linger on such disloyal suspicions regarding Jeno whom he trusted with his life. What kind of relationship would he have if he doubted Jeno’s faithfulness?

But Jaemin was tired and slightly drunk and he succumbed to his doubts, making a bet with himself. If his suspicions were true, he would let Jeno go - he would stop holding on to him. But if his suspicions turned out to be false, he would never complain or feel sad about Jeno being distant again. How unfair. Both options are doing Jeno a favour. 

Wait. 

Where did all this bitterness come from? What do I mean by doing him a favour? I love Jeno and Jeno… does he even love me?

Jaemin nudged Lucas away from the door with no resistance from the latter. Lucas sighed heavily, only compounding Jaemin’s fears as he pushed open the door. 

To Jeno, the person that knew and understood him the best in the world - even more than his parents - was Jaemin. They had been joined by the hip since kindergarten, not due to some heartwarming event such as saving each other from playground bullies, but due to convenience: They were quiet and shy so they were always paired together for activities, if everyone had to form a group of four or five, Jaemin and Jeno would be in a group of two since they were never chosen. The pupils of Dream Regiment Kindergarten were all practically neighbours so by the time they entered elementary school, the children all walked home together. Hence, the two shy boys became good friends with everyone else, became more confident and outgoing, but the bond between each other was incomparable. The bond formed from only having each other as company, from learning to make up with each other after a fight (knowing that they would have no one else to play with) couldn’t be shaken by the fun memories they made with their classmates. 

It was towards the end of middle school, Jeno figured, that he realises that he couldn’t picture life without Jaemin. The latter was the single constant in his life after his parents split up and argued over who would take custody over him. He knew that no matter what, his best friend and boyfriend would never leave him. Perhaps that’s when he started to take Jaemin’s love for granted. 

University had given Jeno a taste of freedom; he could be his own person without worrying about what anyone else thought, he wasn’t hindered by finance but was living a life of luxury with good grades and popularity to boot. Prior to this phase in his life, Jeno has felt a sense of lacking wherever he went. He never had whatever anyone else had, never the toys in elementary or the consoles in middle school or the clothes in high school but now? He lived in a nicely furnished modern apartment, had money and grades, was in a frat and enjoyed a comfortable social circle, wore designer brands and had a boyfriend.

At first, Jeno paraded his lifestyle, always attending parties and events with his beautiful boyfriend almost like a trophy. He knew his peers were jealous; Jeno’s life seemed so put together, he seemed to be exempt from the suffering of the typical college student. However, soon everyone else started to fully ease into college life and they went out more, socialised more and that’s when the subtle differences between Jeno and his friends became more obvious. 

Whenever there was a club bash, the boys on the team would settle into flirting and playing around with the other boys and girls that were invited to (or crashed) the party. At such moments his teammates would look at him in sympathy, saying it mustn’t be fun for a guy with a partner. Jaemin had less and less time to come out with him; he always had some part time job to run off to and Jeno couldn’t blame him. The cost of living lavishly was putting a dent in their wallets and someone needed to find a way to replenish it. Between architecture, football practice and frat life, Jeno simply had no time at all to work. 

Jeno had to turn up to clubs and parties alone and at some point he became tired of explaining to any admirer that he wasn’t single. His lifestyle wasn’t as fun as he thought. He wasn’t as free as he thought. Somehow, Jaemin as a boyfriend was shackling him from fully enjoying his social life. Jeno was sure he loved Jaemin but the adventurer in him wanted something different, something new, a deviation from the norm. 

Renjun was everything Jaemin was not, and he offered Jeno a new experience: he was self-confident and self-centred. Jeno enjoyed chasing after him, found his sassiness enchanting, his determination to follow his dreams addicting. Junnie would rather demand than give yet he was such a charming person that was loved by many. He didn’t hide his personality but proudly showcased it, as if daring anyone to challenge his attitude. He genuinely didn’t give a fuck and he didn’t care whether a relationship was open or not. If Jeno were to ask Jaemin if he could be free to flirt and hookup with people at parties just for fun, the latter would break down on the spot whereas Junnie would give him the go ahead, warning him that if he gets distracted for too long his ass would be dumped for someone better in a heartbeat. 

Junnie was Jeno’s guilty pleasure and he made his life complete. His teammates and frat brothers knew Renjun and even felt they were a better match, asking why Jeno hadn’t broken up with Jaemin yet. Each time, Jeno would explain that Jaemin wouldn’t take it well and he didn’t want to feel responsible for that. Of course he’d never tell them that Jaemin was home, and there was no polite way of saying that Jaemin was his support. So Jeno had decided to keep Renjun a secret from Jaemin, and he was so good at hiding that he never thought about what would happen if Jaemin ever found out. 

An adventure ceases to be fun when someone gets hurt. The sound of the door opening sent a wave of irritation over Jeno. He had told Lucas to make sure he and Renjun had the privacy they needed since the doors had no locks. Taeyong and Yuta didn’t want illegal activity going down in their premises, moreover there had been previous occasions of drunk students locking themselves up in the rooms for days until they were declared missing. Jeno was pretty sure Lucas had interrupted their session as a prank that would be the subject of their next conversation at the frat. Gigantic fucking cockblock he mental cursed, gritting his teeth. 

Still holding onto Renjun’s warm body, Jeno sat up growling. ‘Lucas I swear to-‘

But it wasn’t Lucas at the door, it was Jaemin. 

Jaemin’s boyfriend jumped out of the bed, examining his and his lover’s bodies before covering them with sheets. But it was unnecessary as Jaemin had already seen it all: the hickeys that decorated Renjun’s chest, the love bites adorning Jeno’s neck. The three of them stood in silence staring at each other, Lucas seemed to have disappeared. 

Hydrogen gas is undetectable and doesn’t react with air until there's a source of ignition. Then there’s an explosion. It was quiet and neither perpetrator knew what to say, even Renjun who always had an answer to everything, had lost his composure. He cowered, his body masked by the sheets. His blonde hair tousled and the warmth he felt together with Jeno replaced with chills from the current icy cold atmosphere. 

Then something snapped and Jaemin exploded. Perhaps there was no more space on his wounded heart for another dagger to pierce through. With a strangled cry, Jaemin hurled himself at Jeno, his pretty hands curled into fists as he landed weak hits on Jeno’s broad pecs. The former didn’t have the heart to hurt Jeno even if that was all Jeno did to him on a daily basis. 

‘Why? Why Jeno? Why didn’t you just tell me that I wasn’t enough for you anymore, that you no longer love me? Why did you let me believe in this farce of a relationship? Why did you constantly make me change myself for you? Why did you make me a prisoner of your love? Why did you cheat on me?’ Jaemin punctuated each question with a weak punch on Jeno’s chest, his voice getting louder and louder. 

‘Jaemin calm down’ Renjun seemed to have found his voice, but this made Jaemin spin on him in fury. 

‘You! You knew he was my boyfriend and you still did this, and you’re telling me to calm down? Haven’t I tried? Haven’t I been calm, been patient all this time? I’m so fucking tired but no one cares right? No one cares about Jaemin! Na Jaemin doesn’t exist unless he’s making himself useful for someone else!’ Jaemin cried bitterly, he was shaking Renjun, his grip tight like a vice on the smaller’s shoulders. 

‘Jaemin let him go right now!’ Jeno bellowed, but Jaemin couldn’t hear anything; his senses were shot and the only thing he could feel was his throbbing heart finally getting the attention it needed from Jaemin. A heavy force blew Jaemin into his back as Lucas and another frat boy, Xiaojun rushed in. Lucas had brought reinforcements and so it was four against one. Xiaojun had knocked him over and was now holding Renjun protectively, a sharp glare dripping with hate directed towards Jaemin who still lay on the floor, palm to his bruised cheek. 

‘Don’t hurt Renjun again! Are you crazy or something? Can’t you tell when you’re not needed?’ Xiaojun yelled at him. 

‘I guess now I understand what Jeno meant when he said he couldn’t dump you already. He knew you’d turn out like this’ Lucas frowned, his tone expressing his disapproval. 

Jaemin could only laugh bitterly. ‘So now I’m the villain? Jeno is cheating on me and neither of you is batting an eyelash’ Jaemin pulled himself off the ground, dusting his trousers. ‘I can see that nothing meant anything to you Jeno. You haven’t said anything either, or is it normal for you to make everyone do things for you?’

‘Enough! Don't you think you’re being selfish and controlling here? High school flings die out in university and it’s time you realise that, maybe settle in properly like the rest of us. Let Jeno live!’ Xiaojun fired at him. 

‘I’m selfish, I don’t let Jeno live, I’m controlling’ Jaemin was now only looking at Jeno, the stranger before him. ‘I work so you can enjoy the life you’re living, I always support you in any way I can, I gave up my dreams for you!’

‘I never asked you to’ Jeno finally spoke up. Jaemin felt like a bucket of ice had been dumped on him, bringing him realisation. 

‘But you let him’ 

Ten and Yangyang had just burst into the room. If not for the situation, it would have looked rather comical the way the smaller man was squaring up to the tall Jeno. Yangyang had rushed immediately to Jaemin’s side, glaring back just as viciously to Xiaojun. 

‘He’s right. Gosh I’m an idiot’ Jaemin said slowly and quietly, the sadness and rage flushing right out of him, leaving only an eerie calmness. ‘I’ll get out of your hair Jeno. Just give me a week and I’ll be out’

‘Huh?’ Jeno gawped dumbly. 

‘We’re done aren’t we? You can keep the apartment if that’s what you’re worried about. Make sure you’re there next week to discuss the lease with the landlord then you can delete my number. Yangyang please take me home.’

-

‘Your mysterious boyfriend...is THE Jeno Lee?!’ Hendery exclaimed in shock, sliding into the booth at Taeil’s Tasty Treats. He obviously hadn’t gotten the memo. 

‘Was’ Ten corrected sharply. He then went on to narrate the incident to the oblivious Hendery. 

‘He isn’t even that cool anyway, sure he can play but anyone that can treat the Na Jaemin like that is worse than an idiot’ Hendery announced. ‘Should I go fight? I kinda need three months to work out though’. Hendery was good at lightening the atmosphere and for that Jaemin was grateful. He really didn’t want pity or sympathy at that moment. Not in front of his ice americano. 

‘I need to find a place to stay’ Jaemin spoke up after sipping his beverage. ‘I said a week but it’s not enough to find an apartment and settle rent and all that’

‘Hendery and I have a big dorm room but we’re squatting two other broke college kids so there’s no room’ Yangyang sighed. 

‘I live with my parents but they want to kick even me out so I doubt they’d let you stay, and Johnny lives in his frat house-’

‘Johnny’s in a frat?!’ Yangyang, Hendery and Jaemin exclaimed in unison. 

‘Yep he’s one of the top dogs in Jungwoo’s frat actually. Since he already lives with his brothers he doesn’t feel the need to spend every minute of the day with them. Anyway he’s not here because he’s organising an event’ Ten explained casually like he didn’t just drop a bomb on them. 

‘He’s really out there living a double life. If I was a frat boss I’d let everyone around me know it’ Hendery half-joked. 

‘Woah wait, I just got a reply from my friend who lives in the dorms. He doesn’t have a roommate and he’s currently overseas. He says he doesn’t mind you moving in there!! Jaeminnie!!’ Ten suddenly shouted, leaping out of his seat in excitement. 

The boys cheered and ordered more treats as the future for Jaemin didn’t seem quite as bleak. He was already taking steps to defining his own path, his own identity. 

-

There were many changes Jaemin made in his life in the space of a week:

Johnny borrowed a truck from some frat brother (Sehun or something) and drove it over to the apartment that Jaemin had been living in alone, picking up Yangyang on the way. Jaemin and Jeno had just settled things with the landlord who left just as Johnny and Yangyang arrived. 

‘Are you sure about leaving the apartment to me?’ Jeno asked uncertainly. 

‘Are you seriously asking me that right after the landlord has left?’ Jaemin snapped, looking around to see if Johnny parked safely. 

‘Hey Jaeminnie’ Yangyang greeted brightly, finally arriving at the doorstep without giving so much as a side glance to the ex. ‘Where should I start?’

As Jaemin led his best friend to the room with the boxes he had already packed, bickering animatedly, Jeno couldn’t help but feel puzzled. When had Jaemin made these friends? 

Immediately Yangyang headed to the exit, hands full with stacked boxes, Jeno tried again to speak to Jaemin. For some odd reason he didn’t feel comfortable talking in front of Jaemin’s friends. ‘Do you need help?’

Jaemin sighed heavily in response. ‘You don’t have to force yourself to do this, you can just leave like you want to, go to Renjun or your frat or something, and delete my number while you’re on your way’

‘Is everything okay?’ Yangyang was back, eyeing Jeno suspiciously as he made to grab some more boxes. 

‘Yeah everything’s fine, actually do you mind calling Johnny over? I need help to dismantle and pack up the bed in Jeno’s room’ Jaemin replied. 

‘Sure thing mate’ Yangyang said, giving Jaemin the okay sign with his fingers before bouncing back outside. 

‘That’s my bed’ Jeno stated, feeling a bit miffed. 

‘Christ! Jeno, I’m leaving you the entire apartment! Besides I’ve slept in this bed more than you ever have, I promise you won’t miss it’. Jaemin’s temper was finally flaring, staying this long in Jeno’s presence was emotionally draining and Jaemin couldn’t wait to get out, even if he would feel homesick. 

Jeno at least had the decency to look ashamed.

After Jaemin had unpacked his things in the dorm, he sat down on the bed and began to think deeply. He was quite exhausted from the moving in process (which lacked the excitement he’d had when first moving into the apartment) and cleaning up the dorm was physically draining but at least the musty smell was gone. For just how long had his roommate been overseas?

Being idle led his thoughts to stray to the recent events and that’s when it hit him. The years that were his relationship with Jeno had just vanished. The tears flowed out uncontrollably till his eyes became red and puffy and his nose blocked. He was a sight for sore eyes. But Jaemin had pride and didn’t want to be the one coming off badly from the break up. Two face masks and some tea later, Jaemin dialled Hendery. 

‘Jaeminnie what’s up?’

‘Are you up for hair dye?’

-

Jaemin now had sleek black hair. He’d been dying his hair since Jeno started demanding him to and now Jaemin wanted to be his own person, to start afresh. No longer having to work to support two people, Jaemin quit his part time jobs at the big convenience store in the dangerous distant neighbourhood, the fuel station situated by a scary highway, a family kitchen in the bustling city and a local laundromat. Instead he began to work at Taeil’s Tasty Treats alongside Kun, Jisung, a high school part timer saving up for college and Chenle, another high schooler and the son of SMU’s dean who was forced to work to learn a lesson in responsibility. 

With just one job, Jaemin found he had a lot of free time on his hands and he didn’t know what to do with himself. The dismal truth was that he’d grown up focusing on Jeno that he hadn’t been able to develop his own hobbies, his own sense of self. 

‘Why don’t you make a list of stuff to try out?’ Yangyang suggested. There were no customers in the cafe at that moment so Jaemin was sitting with Yangyang at their usual booth. ‘Then you could cross out whichever ones you dislike’

‘The thing is that I don’t even know where to start’ Jaemin sighed, his normally perfect posture abandoned as he sunk into his seat. ‘I thought continuing to do videos with Ten and Johnny would be time-consuming enough but it’s not’

‘I know it’s a sore spot for you but have you considered picking up photography again?’ Yangyang asked tentatively. After his breakup, Jaemin had spilled everything to him and Ten in the privacy of his sitting room where they built another pillow fort. Of course Yangyang’s blood boiled but he had to control his emotions for the sake of Jaemin. He felt that the best way for his best friend to come out the victor was to achieve his dreams and show his ex that he wasn’t needed in his life at all. 

‘I-I’m scared’ Jaemin’s voice shook slightly. ‘I’ve probably lost my touch and I don’t know how I’m going to feel if I go back to it only to be absolutely terrible’

‘Jaeminnie. Photography is something you love right?’ Yangyang started, only continuing when Jaemin nodded. ‘Think about it, if you could excel in business which isn’t your passion, don’t you think you’d ace photography?’

‘I guess so, I don’t know’ the black haired boy looked down at his fingers. 

‘Let me ask another question, do you want to do photography?’

‘Yeah but-’

‘Didn’t you say you’d become you? That you’d do whatever you want? Just try it out, take a few shots with your phone and show up to the photography club’

Softly and gently, the calm breeze lightly ruffled Jaemin’s silky black locks. This region of the campus was looking particularly picturesque and the only thing out of sync with the serene atmosphere was Jaemin’s rapidly beating heart. He hadn’t done anything related to photography since that day in high school and he was nervous his hiatus would affect his chances of getting back into the subject he shunned. 

If I get into the club I’ll pursue photography seriously, If I don’t I’ll give up. If I get into the club I’ll pursue photography seriously, if I don’t I’ll give up. 

Jaemin fumbled with the hem of his favourite light green hoodie as he approached the entrance to the club venue. It was a small building with an extension for a computer room as well as an annexed darkroom. Inside the room were three students: one was printing something, another putting up photos on the wall, and another walking up to him. 

‘Hi there! How can I help you?’ the girl smiled amiably at him. A few but not all of his nerves calmed at the friendly welcome. 

Swallowing the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat, Jaemin collected himself and finally voiced the desires of his heart. ‘Can I join the photography club?’

‘Usually we accept new members at the beginning of each semester when tryouts, tasters, tutorials and workshops are organised’ She began. ‘But we do let people in when we’re impressed by their skills’

Jaemin quickly whipped out his phone ‘I’ve got these that I took on the way here… and some old ones’. The girl scrolled through the photos on his phone, whistling appreciatively. 

‘I’m so sorry but even with your obvious talent, I can’t let you in’ she said in disappointment, handing Jaemin back his phone. 

He could almost hear his heart drop into his abdomen. ‘W-why?’

The girl sighed heavily. ‘It’s only the club president that can admit people to the club, and unfortunately he’s overseas’

‘Oh I see’

‘Look, what’s your name?’ The girl had rushed to a desk at the back of the room to grab a notepad and pen. 

‘Na Jaemin’

‘I’ll mention you the second our president gets back okay? If you ever see him yourself, tell him Kim Jiwoo wants you added to the club’

Jaemin was now walking aimlessly. I guess I have to give up then. He didn’t want to go home to his dorm, neither did he particularly feel like hanging out with his friends. He couldn’t bring himself to tell them he had failed to get into the photography club. Before he knew it, his feet were carrying him to Sun and Moon, his heart probably desiring another Lioness drink. 

As it was a Thursday mid morning, the club was relatively empty. Most students were either in lectures or sleeping off their hangovers in the comfort of their beds or on the floors of their friends’. Taeyong was wiping freshly rinsed glasses dry behind the counter. He looked up and offered Jaemin a bright smile upon his entrance.

‘Hi Jaemin!’ the older greeted, setting the last dry glass onto the shelf behind the counter. 

‘Your hair is red now, it looks good’ Jaemin noted as he took in the older’s new appearance; the blonde mullet now replaced with shorter red locks.

‘I swapped hair colours with Yuta. Thanks for the compliment’ Taeyong beamed, ushering Jaemin to a table. ‘It seems I’m not the only one with a new look though, aren’t you gonna ask me how I remember your name?’ He smirked.

Jaemin felt his heart beat hollowly in his chest. The news about popular SMU quarterback Lee Jeno dramatically breaking up with his obsessive ex had probably spread around campus. ‘Wait you’re the cute guy that’s going out with Jeno? Wait, you've broken up??’ Taeyong exclaimed.

Great. Jaemin had spoken out his thoughts.

‘What are you talking about?’ Jaemin asked suspiciously.

‘Jungwoo is gonna be sooo jealous’ Taeyong giggled with glee while Jaemin remained all the more baffled.

‘Who’s Jungwoo?’

‘Leader of the Olympus fraternity’ A new soft voice said from behind Jaemin. The latter arched his head around to see a tall gentle-looking man looking down at him with a friendly smile. ‘Johnny’s frat’

‘More than being the leader of the campus’ most influential frat, he’s my baby’ Taeyong cooed. ‘I raised him and taught him everything he knows’

‘Yes Yongie hyung is a really bad influence’ the tall man beamed.

‘At least you didn’t drop out of uni’ the crimson-haired man retorted.

‘I’m lost’ Jaemin interrupted. ‘You are Jungwoo?’ He asked the tallest.

‘Yep! To be honest I’m a little hurt that you don’t recognise me’ Jungwoo pouted. ‘Then again you did always have eyes only for Jeno Lee’

‘Jungwoo sit down already, it’s hurting my eyes and neck to look up at you’ Taeyong spoke up. ‘I feel like we’re gonna have a long chat’

‘I just came for a drink’ Jaemin mumbled sourly.  
‘Awww’ Taeyong said in mock sympathy. ‘Yuta’s asleep and I can’t be asked to get up’

‘You’re mean’ Jaemin stated in shock. Where was the soft cute beautiful barista? He’d been under the impression that Yuta was the ‘savage’ one of the duo.

‘Oh you just realised?’ Jungwoo laughed. ‘Hyung bullies the people he likes’

‘Anyway Jungwoo told me that you’re really cute after he met you at Lucas’ frat party’ Taeyong giggled conspiratorially.

‘Hey hey hyung you’re making me sound weird’ Jungwoo protested before turning to Jaemin (whose brain seemed to be short-circuiting) ‘I did think you were cute but in a “I want to be friends way” but then although you were friendly, you were hard to get close to. Then I saw you in Johnny’s videos and just like everyone else on campus, I was charmed and I’ve been trying to meet you through Johnny’

‘Johnny’s a good friend for refusing to let you two meet up’ Taeyong remarked. ‘Anyone can see that Jungwoo is a bad influence’

‘Uhh I can see how you raised him now Taeyong hyung’ Jaemin spoke up albeit a little tiredly. ‘Now about that drink-’

‘Did nothing I say mean anything to you?’ Jungwoo pouted sullenly. ‘Why Johnny hyung and not me?

‘Stop sulking Jungwoo, that’s the least important subject to discuss right now’ Taeyong reprimanded, leaning in towards Jaemin. ‘Are you okay Jaemin?’

‘Yeah I’m fine’

‘Whether you like it or not you better be fine because Jeno Lee and his group were partying till dawn today and he seemed as bright as a button. You can’t lose to him’ Taeyong encouraged the youngest, placing a hand on Jaemin’s shoulder. ‘They made such a mess that I think Yuta won’t be making another drink for the next two years; so you can kiss your lioness drink goodbye’

Hopefully no one noticed Jaemin swallow the lump forming in his throat. Truthfully he wasn’t okay. In a very short amount of time on a very short notice, the black-haired boy had been forced to erase years worth of a relationship he had fueled with emotions, dreams and resources. He’d moved out of the place he called home into a dorm room shared with a missing roommate, couldn’t get into the photography club because of a missing president and he was lonely.

‘Oh yeah I’ve been wondering, how come you don’t have part-timers that can help out here?’ Jaemin said instead, diverting the topic of his insecurities and troubles away from the scrutinising gaze of Taeyong.

‘He does have part-timers’ Jungwoo piped up. ‘They’ve got other branches to visit and they don’t live on or near the campus either’

‘If I lived and worked here everyday I’d probably smash my head open. Students drive me crazy and I don’t particularly enjoy wiping vomit and scraping off dried cum’ Taeyong grimaced. ‘Truthfully, Yuta and I are rarely seen - you just managed to catch us on the occasions that we were here’

‘Do you want a job here? Take your mind off things?’ Jungwoo asked in concern. Apparently, Jaemin hadn’t been good at hiding his feelings.

‘I would say no either way’ Taeyong interjected. ‘Jeno Lee and Lucas and the others come here and they’d probably give you a hard time’

‘It’s okay, I was just curious’ Jaemin explained. He didn’t think he could survive as a club barista with a VIP front row view to Jeno cheating on him with whoever else was cuter or cooler or more exciting and open than him.

‘Great now we can get back to the topic you tried to cleverly divert us from Jaemin’ Taeyong clapped his hands enthusiastically, deriving joy from the way Jaemin squirmed in his seat. ‘Jungwoo and I have had many tough experiences and we’d like to help in any way we can. What’s troubling you?’ The soft protective part of Taeyong had quickly risen to the surface and suddenly Jaemin felt compelled to spill everything.

‘Well after splitting up I felt I could try to pursue my dreams again but it seems like the universe is against me’ Jaemin sighed heavily, attempting to keep his voice from wobbling. ‘I don’t know what to do’

‘What’s stopping you?’ Jungwoo asked.

Jaemin explained the events that had taken place earlier that day and his dreams about photography as the older guys listened closely. ‘So it looks like I’ll have to give up’

Jungwoo let out a hoarse breath. ‘Are you an idiot? You’ve literally been accepted already, you just need to wait for the president to get back’

‘I thought she was just letting me down nicely’ Jaemin said slowly, protecting his weakened heart from the blow of rejection and false hope.

‘Kim Jiwoo? She’s infamous for bluntly rejecting people despite her usual sweetness. When it comes to the club she has a heart of stone’ Jungwoo recounted. ‘You really don’t know anything about anyone on campus’ he added in disbelief.

‘Okay but it doesn’t look like even she knows when the president is coming back’ Jaemin argued.

‘Why does it seem like you’re convincing yourself that everything is hopeless?’ Taeyong, who had been silent for a while, spoke up. ‘You’re your biggest impediment and I think the best solution to your problem is to adjust your mindset Jaeminnie. Be positive’.

There was silence for a while as the trio pondered over Taeyong’s words of wisdom. The ambiance in the room was peaceful and soothing and Jaemin found himself actually believing that everything would be okay. It was surprising to him that he would find solace in the company of two strangers. The breakup was a huge scar that probably wouldn’t heal for a while but the black-haired boy couldn’t deny that Jeno’s estrangement had allowed Jaemin to foster lifelong friendships in unexpected places.

‘What do I do until the president comes back then?’ Jaemin whispered, determined to resolutely follow his hyungs’ advice.

Taeyong and Jungwoo exchanged glances before grinning at the youngest. ‘What you should’ve done a long time ago’

‘Get more involved in your department, join my frat, keep doing those youtube videos, make an instagram and keep taking photos’ Jungwoo listed rapidly. ‘Actually live a little and don’t waste the popularity you’ve been accumulating lately’

‘Say yes Jaeminnie and operation glow up will commence immediately’ Taeyong proposed, a mischievous and ambitious glint in his eyes.

The youngest couldn’t help but laugh at his hyungs’ antics. He wanted to make up for the years of self-neglect, he wanted to finally make himself the main character in his story. He had started off lonely and helpless but now he was making the first step with the support of his friends, without Jeno. The glass of wine that held his love for Jeno had been knocked over, and the roses that symbolised their relationship had been left to wilt. Of course, the shards of glass wounded Jaemin and the thorns on the roses pricked him, but Jaemin was happier.

They couldn’t compare to the pain of the daggers that Jeno drove into his heart.


End file.
